Socializing for introverts, continued. In the first part, I said that the secret to socializing for introverts is to listen well, encourage the other person to talk about themselves, and remember people’s names. Well, here’s some more tips:
The introversion and extroversion concept might be complete bullshit. Maybe, it’s made up to help shy, quiet, passive people feel good about themselves and rationalize their social ineptitude. And I’m saying this as an introvert myself.
First, no one is completely introverted or extroverted. All the psychologists and personality test takers who keep rambling about introversion and extroversion will tell you that. And, it’s true.
Everyone, from the outgoing loudmouth to the shy, awkward dude who keeps wearing a beanie hat indoors, has both introverted and extroverted traits. EVERYONE is tired after several hours of meeting new people. We all have moments when we want to be alone for a bit. And, EVERYONE has times when they feel confident and outgoing, and when they feel uncomfortable and nervous.
When that shy, awkward, beanie hat-wearing dude is with his friends and people he knows, he’s comfortable. He’s much more expressive, confident and outgoing. Around strangers, he’s uncomfortable, nervous, and maybe even a little scared. In this case, he’s very quiet and shy.
The difference is that “extroverts” overcome this natural apprehension. They go ahead and act about the same regardless of if they’re with their friends or with strangers. They say to themselves “fuck it,” and dive headfirst into these uncomfortable situations. There’s no point in being scared of strangers. All of your closest friends were strangers at one point.
“Introverts” allow this apprehension to consume them, and they act quiet, shy and awkward around strangers. They try to retreat into themselves and stand out as little as possible, like a turtle retreating into its shell.
And if you’re being completely honest, I think you’d agree with me. There’s a reason why extroverts are seen as more confident and introverts are seen as more shy and awkward.
All right, for those of you I haven’t completely pissed off and are still reading this, here’s the REAL way for an introvert to socialize effectively:
The main reason why socializing for introverts is so difficult is because they feel uncomfortable in social situations. So, introverts should get used to being uncomfortable.
The solution isn’t to make yourself not uncomfortable. The solution is to get used to it. The sooner you can grasp this, the better off you’ll be. So, how do you get used to being uncomfortable? Well first…
Let’s get the most obvious one out of the way first. Be in more uncomfortable situations.
You get good at the things you do a lot. This is an evolutionary trait of humans. Spend day after day sitting on your ass in front of Netflix, and that’s all you’ll be able to do. Spend day after day lifting weights, you’ll become strong as hell. Stick to a daily routine for long enough, and you’ll actually feel like shit if you DON’T do it.
Be in uncomfortable situations a lot, and you’ll learn to handle yourself better in them. Talk to strangers a lot, and you’ll overcome your anxiety over talking to one.
You also get the added benefit of experience. You’ll see that after enduring a couple uncomfortable situations, you’re still fine. Your fears were completely exaggerated.
Other uncomfortable activities can include rock climbing and hang gliding. Just make sure to be safe about these kinds of activities. Find professional organizations, companies or gyms that provide these kinds of services and activities for everyday people. A Google search and quick phone call is all you need to set something up.
Lastly, I want you to feel a sense of pride in sticking your neck out there, for intentionally putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. It takes a lot of guts and commitment to do that day in and day out. It’s something a lot of people couldn’t even conceive of doing.
Here’s another great technique you should practice:
Say a catch phrase like “Let’s Do This”, “Let’s Go”, “Here We Go” or “Game On”. Immediately after saying this, do something. It can be as simple as taking a sip of water, pushing a button on your phone, take a bite out of a sandwich, brushing your teeth, or checking email. Do this for a few days.
After that, say your catch phrase every time you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation like having to interact with a stranger. You spent days training yourself to take action every time that catch phrase is uttered. So, you’ll feel compelled to take action despite feeling uncomfortable.
The very thought of rock climbing and being at such a great height might induce dizzying anxiety. Say your catch phrase, then you’ll feel compelled to schedule a session at the local rock climbing gym. You might feel crippling nervousness at the thought of approaching and striking up a conversation with that babe a few feet away from you. Say your catch phrase, and you’ll feel compelled to go ask her out on a date.
So, you feel uncomfortable, nervous, anxious, and even scared by the thought of social interaction. You’re paranoid about people thinking you’re weird, stupid, a pussy, etc.
Here’s an interesting exercise you should do. Pretend as if your worst fears have already happened. Instead of hopelessly trying to convince yourself that other people don’t think you’re weird, stupid, and/or a pussy, pretend as if they do.
A huge part of being an introvert is worrying too much of what other people think of you. Worrying too much like that uses up a tremendous amount of your energy and vitality. THAT’S why social interaction is so draining and exhausting for introverts. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot like that. Instead, pretend your fears have already come true.
Since your fears have now come true, what’s the point in worrying about them? It takes a lot of the pressure off of you. Don’t worry about embarrassing yourself or saying something weird. You already have!
This is a quote from Miyamoto Musashi, a renowned samurai warrior from feudal Japan widely regarded as one of the best swordsmen of his generation.
If you become so preoccupied in thinking about the potential results of an endeavor or activity, specifically worrying about potential negative results, you won’t be able to devote your concentration to actually doing that endeavor or activity. This will make it more likely that you’ll fail.
Let’s take a samurai warrior like Musashi. For warriors like him, they fear potentially dying in battle. But if they think too much about this potential outcome, they won’t be able to concentrate on actually fighting their enemy. And then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The warrior is worried about being slain in battle, so he is.
Musashi is fighting as if he’s already been slain. So, he doesn’t have to worry about that potential outcome anymore. He’s able to concentrate more on the battle, making it more likely that he’ll win.
We can take this concept and apply it to our everyday lives. We can have this mentality in social interactions.
Here one more way to improve introverts’ socializing abilities.
I wrote a few very popular blog posts on quitting porn and masturbation, so check those out next.
Quitting porn and masturbation has profound benefits for improving social skills and destroying social anxiety. Go to the Nofap forums on Reddit or the Nofap website. Look up Nofap videos on YouTube. Most, if not all, guys doing Nofap experience a total destruction of all social anxiety, along with a massive increase in energy and vitality.
If you’re an introverted guy and you want to get better at socializing, quitting porn and masturbation is a powerful tool to help you. In fact, it may be the ONLY thing you need to get better at socializing.
I consider quitting porn and masturbation the single most effective method of improving introverted guys’ social skills. You could literally ignore everything else I wrote in this blog post and just do this one thing, and you’ll still experience improvements in your socializing ability.
I consider How to Win Friends and Influence People required reading for anyone who wants to improve their social skills, introverts or otherwise. It outlines the timeless tenants of effective face-to-face social interaction.
Another book that I highly recommend is one that I’m currently reading. The 48 Laws of Power, by Robert Greene. How to Win Friends and Influence People goes over general social interactions in a face-to-face setting. The 48 Laws of Power goes over your overall conduct in virtually all social situations you can find yourself in. How you should never try to outshine your boss or superior. Your enemies can actually become your best friends under the right circumstances. Also, you should never talk too much.
It’s basically a comprehensive, easy-to-read guidebook on how to survive in Game of Thrones.
Pick them up here:
This is everything an introvert would ever need to improve social skills.
Don’t use “I’m an introvert” as an excuse for shit social skills. EVERYONE has introverted and extroverted traits. Everyone feels tired after meeting a bunch of new people at once. Feeling confident around your friends and uneasy around strangers is normal. The key difference is that extroverts overcome this uneasy feeling. And that’s exactly what you need to do.
And remember, all your closest friends were strangers at some point. You could be missing out on great, long-lasting friendships by being introverted and closing yourself off from the world.
Share this blog post with the introverts in your lives.
All the best,