21 years old or older guy, never had a girlfriend: why that’s okay

You’re 21 or older, and you’ve never had a girlfriend! If you feel bad about it, read on:


If you think about it, getting a girlfriend is something you don’t have full control over. The woman needs to agree to enter a relationship with you. Even if you’re great relationship material, it may not happen because of factors beyond both of your control.


With that in mind, my first blog post is on why you want a girlfriend so badly and things you can do to help make it happen and/or live happily without one.


The Usual Reasons Why a Guy Wants a Girlfriend so Badly

  • It validates you and gives you a greater feeling of self-worth; the girl chose to be in a relationship with you because you are a worthwhile guy to be with.
  • You’re having emotional difficulties. Your life is not going the way you think it should, your parents are getting divorced, or you don’t know what to do with your life. Affection from a girlfriend will bring you some emotional relief.
  • Movies, television and even many adults growing up teach us that if we’re nice, sensitive guys, we’ll win a girl’s heart, and that there’s something wrong with us if we don’t have at least one girlfriend before we graduate high school.
  • Having a girlfriend has become an arbitrary credential.
  • Getting a girlfriend will miraculously improve our lives and make us better men.
  • You’re horny and desperate for sex, and you’re falling in love with every girl your age you see on the street.


I can understand where you’re coming from. I’m 23 right now and I’ve never had a girlfriend. I figured out why it’s such a big deal and what to do about it.


The Universal Male Imperative

Reasons 1-4 have one root cause: you lack control over yourself and your life. This lack of control creates a sense of neediness in you. You need a girlfriend to improve your life since you’re unable to improve it yourself.


The solution is to gain better control over your life. To do that, find a higher calling; create a direction and purpose for your life.


This is the universal male imperative.


Next, work to fulfill that calling with focused, committed effort. You don’t have to worry about actually fulfilling your calling, just be committed and consistent in working towards it. Life’s about the journey, not the destination.


I said “decide” on our calling, not wait around for it to find us. You are not born to do any one particular thing. You DECIDE what you’re going to do with your life. I think now is best spent focusing on this before bringing a girlfriend into our lives.


A romantic relationship is a commitment. This commitment requires surrendering your freedom to an extent (you spend time with your girlfriend, spend money on gifts for your a girlfriend, etc.), and this will only distract you from this imperative.


Throughout human history, men are defined by direction, purpose, unfaltering conviction, and absolute control over themselves.


Your calling could be many things:

  • Lose 100 lbs of fat so that you don’t die of a heart attack before you turn 30
  • Become financially secure and never have to worry about money again
  • Become the best in the world at something


This is something you need to decide for yourself. It’ll be among the most important decisions you’ll ever make.


Think of it like this:


This is an opportunity to do some soul searching, figure out what we want to do with our lives, develop the conviction and drive to fulfill our goals, and become self-assured, fully-realized men.


Path to Fully-Realized Manhood

One of the best ways to define your calling is to work hard and wholly commit yourself to everything you do. Your job, your schooling, your laundry, everything you do should be done with absolute commitment and conviction, or not done at all. Your focus will sharpen, your calling will become clearer in your mind, your conviction will strengthen, and you’ll have greater control over yourself.


If you’re in college, you should focus on getting a 3.8 or higher GPA, join clubs and organizations that can give you marketable credentials and useful skills, and look for paid internships and entry-level positions. With that being said, I’m fully aware that it’s possible to do all that and be in a relationship, and that plenty of guys and girls have done just that. But in my opinion, these individuals could have accomplished significantly more if they weren’t tied down by a relationship.


If you’re out of school and in a job, you should focus on forming a professional network, just in case your company lays you off or goes under and you’re out of a job (you know deep down it’s a possibility). A strong network can also be useful for getting a better job, and you should always be open to getting a better job (blog post series about effective job hunting coming soon). You should also commit yourself to your job, becoming the absolute best you can be, earn relevant certifications and/or complete company-provided training.


And keep this in mind: half-assing one aspect of your life means you’ll half-ass every other aspect.


You can’t turn this on and off.


You can’t be a lazy, unmotivated sack of shit who spends over 90% of his time on Netflix and Xbox in one moment, then a fully engaged, energized man-who-gets-shit-done in another. Fully commit yourself to an aspect of your life, like your job or schooling, and you’ll commit and do well in every other aspect. I invite you to commit yourself fully to every aspect of your life and every action you take, for your benefit.


I strongly believe that if you can define a higher calling in your life, learn the conviction and drive to wholly commit yourself to that calling, and learn to fully apply yourself to everything you do, your job, schooling, even to something as simple as driving your car or doing your laundry, you’re sense of self-worth and self-assurance will become high enough to reach the moon. You’ll be able to fight through all the emotional turmoil your brain is capable of producing. You’ll defeat any test, hardship or uncertainty life tries to throw at you.


You won’t need a girlfriend to give you a sense of self-worth or comfort you during harsh times. You’ll no longer feel as if you’re lacking something in your life. And the best part, you’re self-assurance and drive will make you more attractive to girls, making it more likely that you’ll get a girlfriend. They say the best way to get a girlfriend is to NOT want one. This is where that idea comes from.


Unbridled Energy

The seemingly unbearable sexual tension and energy can lead to great accomplishments and creations if you can learn to channel that unbridled energy and use it productively. Don’t just suppress it or sit around doing nothing while it writhes within you.


This is where the idea of a muse comes in. A beautiful and radiant young woman inspires in a young man the desire to produce and create, whether through procreation, creating something of value that benefits people, accomplishing something difficult.


I would go as far as asserting that, to an extent, everything that any man in any culture has accomplished or created throughout human history, like creating works of art or building civilizations, was borne out of channeling this unbridled sexual energy towards these phenomenal endeavors.


This is why the trainers of elite athletes forbid sex in the weeks leading up to a major competition. This energy is a gift. You can have access to this well of limitless energy.


Keep this in mind the next time you start thinking that you NEED a girlfriend.


That’s the end of my first blog post. I’d appreciate if you left comment down below telling me what you think. Do you still feel bad for never having a girlfriend? Do you have different reasons for wanting a girlfriend? Any more reasons why it’s okay not to have a girlfriend? Write it all down below! If you know a guy in our shoes, let him know about this blog. And if you found this interesting, go ahead and subscribe to my newsletter. More content coming soon.


All the best,



Thumbnail Image by Joshua Earle

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